I really don't know

which is worse.

I've been keeping quiet, but for the past few weeks, in the wee hours of the morning(like now) I'll be woken up by my grandpa's yells of agony. Sometimes it's vomiting, sometimes it's because of giddiness but every single time you can bet everyone in our block knows about it.And naturally that includes me. For the record, these episodes last from 2 to 3 hours. For that I think the neighbours in our block have been very accommodating and not given us too much trouble about it.

But for the past week or so, my grandpa has been almost impossible to accommodate. From shivering, to asking for a application in ointment,then for a change in ointment to giddy spells that come from nowhere and then disappear just as mysteriously, one fact remains glaringly obvious - my grandpa through no fault of his own simply wants attention.

I think it's an accusation that not to be taken lightly. For me to say that even, makes me wonder if there is a conflict of interest between being a good grandson and being an objective observer.

Sadly, I think it's true. This morning in the midst of yelling for my uncle to coming down, my second uncle called him and when he came, told my grandpa that there were only so many things he could do(which was true) and said they were going to a hospital. This quietened down my grandpa quite a bit and cured most of his "maladies".

Throughout all this, the person who went through the most, must be my grandma, who tirelessly accommodates him every time. If she ignores him, he just keeps calling her. My uncle who lives with my grandma got so fed-up with the numerous "attention sessions" that he flared up once(and I don't blame him because God, I know.) For me, I know that even though his aches and pains are made up I'll try accommodate him when I can.

Today, the episode ended with my uncle going down to the hospital with my grandpa probably to get a shot for a nap. But this is just one time. How about the other 25 times that the episode tonight will re enact itself? How will we deal with it then? Or do we continue losing sleep appeasing grandpa?

Therein lies the unstated question, dreaded, shunned, shushed. Would it be better for everyone if .... my grandpa ... ... Even typing it out seemed an abomination. The controversy behind euthanasia which once was so far away seemed pretty near now. But the answer remains as elusive as ever.

Because I really don't know.